Coming soon to theaters: Miss Conception starring Heather Graham

You know, no shit - just the other day, I was wondering: whatever happened to Heather Graham? It's like after doing 1999's Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me, her career has suffered or something. (Got me how that one happened... Ahem.)

Okay, but every so often, her name pops up in obscure indie-ish films (Gray Matters), yadda, yadda, yadda... but rarely is it for something I'm even remotely interested in seeing (Broken). And it's too bad, because I've actually missed her goofy charm making its appearance in the mainstream (Scrubs).

 I'll tell you what, though: after seeing the promo trailer for her new movie, Miss Conception, I'm beginning to wish that she just would have remained obscure.

See, for a while now, I've been happy to just sit back and wait for Heather Graham to rebuild her career - to come back shiny and fresh and new. I've been waiting for the Heather Graham I once believed in to swoop in and blow everyone away with her newly discovered sense of self, and a new ability to choose a role that will actually garner her some respect.

But now that I've seen this new trailer, I can't sit idly by any longer; I must speak out. I feel obligated, Miss Conception Graham, to clue you in on something: I don't think that this film - the plot for which revolves around a pre-menopausal woman achingly desperate to have a baby - is going to do you any favors. I mean, last year was the year of preggo films (see: Juno, Knocked Up); this is so five minutes ago. And even if it wasn't, did you really have to do it with a fake English accent?:

Really?!

And did it have to be in a film that is so obviously cliché - that looks so vapid, so vacant, so cheesy that I can barely sit through the preview? Come on, Heather. You're better than this! Read some self-help books; get a therapist. Do what needs to be done! Because I believe I can speak for all of your fans when I say: we want our Heather Graham back: the one that is the little blonde cutie pie with the goofy grin and awkward charm. The one that shows some brains, some spunk, and is downright adorable. We wish you luck, Ms. Graham, we really do. But this version of yourself: the English accented desperate bimbo? Well, she's just gotta go.

• Miss Conception starring Heather Graham and Mia Kirshner: First Look Studios. Release Date: June 6, 2008. Tickets available online at Fandango.com.